Have you ever wondered what you’d do if you lost your job, your spouse left, or your best friend stopped talking to you? Who would you be without those things or those people? Cynthia James tells her story of a love lost, an acting career ended, and how through those losses she came to know herself better and live her most authentic life. In this episode Cynthia reveals How she found out her high-profile marriage was ending. What her lowest moment looked like and how she got herself out of it. How through her healing, she discovered her true identity. How she came to live her most authentic life, utilizing all her skills from her past experiences to be in her happiest career and relationship Cynthia James has written , recorded albums, is a life coach, speaker, and hosts the podcast, “Women Awakening." Go to www.iamthisage.com for the show transcription.
Have you ever wondered what you’d do if you lost your job, your spouse left, or your best friend stopped talking to you? Who would you be without those things or those people? Cynthia James tells her story of a love lost, an acting career ended, and how through those losses she came to know herself better and live her most authentic life.
In this episode Cynthia reveals:
Cynthia James has written , recorded albums, is a life coach, speaker, and hosts the podcast, “Women Awakening."
Go to www.iamthisage.com for the show transcription.
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Have you ever wondered what you do? If you lost your job or your spouse left, or your best friend stopped talking to you, who would you be without those things or those people you might be thinking, well, I'll never have to worry about that.
And of course, I hope that's true, but I challenge you to think about it anyway because the clearer we get on who we are at our core, without the titles, the better our lives will be. Don't believe me. Well, my guest today is here to prove it. Welcome to I Am This Age, the podcast proving it's never too late.
You are never too old, so go do that thing you're always talking about. I'm Molly Sider, a certified professional life coach, storyteller, speaker, and real life change maker. In my forties, Cynthia James is here today. She's a former Hollywood actress, formerly married to a Hollywood actor, but eventually lost her marriage, her career, and for a short time their adopted son, whom while Cynthia and her ex navigated their divorce, went to live with his father.
But all that loss led to a seriously fulfilling life, and Cynthia is here to tell us all about it. Real quick before we get started, I have coaching client openings and I'm offering a special deal, so listen up for the first two people who reach out and sign up. I will give two one hour sessions away for free.
All you have to do is click the link in the show notes and send me an email with the subject line free sessions. That's all it takes. So. If you are someone feeling stuck and needing a little extra life support, because who doesn't reach out to me. I'm here for you. It's my very favorite thing to do. Okay, friends.
Now without further ado, Cynthia James. 📍
Hello, I'm Cynthia James. I am 74 years old. I'm an emotional integration leadership coach and author and speaker.
Hi Cynthia. I'm so glad to have you.
Glad to be here, Molly.
A little more about Cynthia before we really get going. As you know, Cynthia was an actor in Hollywood and at 40 she married an Academy Award-winning actor. They adopted a son and together with his son from a previous marriage, they started a family, but Cynthia's husband had a drug addiction. And soon Cynthia found herself abandoning her own career to care for their kids so her husband could work while secretly battling his addiction.
That is until she finally woke up to her enabling and codependent behavior and she began attending Al-Anon meetings. But those meetings weren't for her husband. They were for her.
How did you know to go to Al-Anon?
You know, because I had had. Several failed relationships. It was very important to me that I really put my full presence in this relationship, but I began to see that. Not only was I enabling him, but all the people who managed him and supported his career were enabling him, and the kids were being impacted.
And so I said, all right. I cannot change another human being, but I need to find out cuz this isn't, my father was an active alcoholic. I had been in relationships with people with addictive. Problems. So I'm like, okay, I'm a common denominator here. I need to find out what is it. And so I went to Al-Anon for me not to try to change him, but for me.
And while I was there, I started noticing my challenges with my own self-worth, my own confidence, my own inability to speak my truth, because I was afraid of losing.
Hmm.
uh, It was quite a journey. I got a sponsor. I went through the steps. I mean, I really, and I listened to the people who were in those meetings because I could see that, I could see the common thread,
a lack of self love and, and caring for, for yourself and caregiving and taking care of others, even to your own. Health challenges and detriment?
Yeah. And what do you, what did you believe at the time it meant for your marriage at that point?
Well, actually I thought it might help, you know, I mean, he would intermittently go to AA or Cocaine Anonymous or what, whichever one he would go to, but. What I realized is, you know, they say addiction is a disease and it really is. It's not just willpower. Well, I'll just stop. There are layers and layers of emotions and experiences and traumas that feed the addiction because it's all about feeling better, and so, I was hoping that with the two of us doing some level of work and also in therapy together, that it would shift, but the, the addiction was stronger than the desire for the marriage. We were in therapy together. But the thing about it is, is like, You know, they say in 12 steps that it's a, a cunning disease. And so what would happen is we'd get to a certain point and then there would be something that would happen to interrupt it and we couldn't complete or, or there was something wrong with the therapist or whatever.
I mean, it was always something. And at the time I didn't understand that disease, that addiction, Was running the show. It wasn't us.
Oh, that's so interesting. So there was always like an excuse as to why this wasn't working and that wasn't his fault or something
that's right. That's right.
So one day while Cynthia was on a magazine shoot, the phone rang her housekeeper answered, and told Cynthia was an emergency. 📍
The emergency was My manager calling to tell me that the Inquirer had contacted her to tell me that my husband had filed for separation and it was coming out in the Inquirer the next day,
Oh
I was like, No, I, it was like, it made no sense to me. And he was on a, he was on a shoot, he was doing a movie.
And so I called and I said, I just got this message. What is this? I don't understand. And he said, get an attorney. And so he got off the phone and I had to go back and finish the shoot. And as soon as the people left, I mean, I just. Went to bed and sobbed, and I just had the housekeeper tell the kids I was, you know, not feeling well because I just couldn't let them see me in, in, in the, the experience that I was having and the level of emotion.
I mean, it, it, it felt like I had been stabbed and I, and I didn't even understand. I mean, I knew we had gone through stuff and we are going through stuff, but nothing to create this level of. I mean hurt and drama.
Yeah. So you thought like you were both doing all this work separately and together to try to salvage this marriage, and all of a sudden he was like, no, I'm done. Get a lawyer and it just came out of left field.
yes. But what I didn't know was he was back in the addiction pretty heavily.
You know, there were some people who knew. And they knew that some of his behavior was inappropriate for a marriage, but they didn't want to tell me because they didn't, they didn't want me to not believe them or whatever their, their feelings were.
And so this was going on and I I really, I, I didn't even know how to play in this field, you know? I mean, we are a very visible couple, you know, high profile, you know, I'd never gone through anything like that before. And I reached out to a couple of attorneys and they were like, oh, we'll take 'em to the cleaners.
And I'm like, no, that's not, that's not what I'm trying to do here. And it was like really trying to get clear and I actually. One of my dearest friends is Reverend Michael Beckwith. He's the founder and senior minister of, um, the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. And I called him and I said, I don't really know what to do here.
And he said, okay. The first thing is you cannot fight with a warrior. You will not win. He said, get clear about what is important to you. What is important to you. And I said, the kids. And that, there's a place for them to come if we're separating. And he said, okay, then stand on those two things and the rest of it don't, don't go into the drama.
And so it was a, it was painful, it was public, I, at one point was staying with my girlfriend and We were supposed to be in mediation. And what happened was a document came out basically saying that I was an unfit mother and it was written by him and his attorney, and I was, um, I was devastated in her because I kept saying, This is supposed to be my friend.
I, even if the marriage is not working, I don't understand. I mean, I really couldn't comprehend it. And I was, I remember crying in my girlfriend's, um, guest room and her coming and like laying down next to me and just kind of holding me while I cried and I fell asleep. And when I woke up that song, everything must change.
You know, everything must change. Nothing stays the same. That one was running through my head and I'm like, why is that song running through my head? And I literally heard a voice inside of me say, get up. You have always reinvented yourself. Get up. Your children need you.
So what did you do next?
I got up I went looking for a house. I Started trying to figure out what I was gonna do career-wise, cuz, I mean, I was still working but not at the level I had been cuz I was, you know, family. And also, the son that we adopted, Sharan, I could fight for in court, but his biological son from another marriage, I couldn't.
Hmm.
And so I asked him to come to therapy so that we could talk about the fact that I really loved him and I didn't want us breaking up to separate him out of my life. And, and I, and he said he understood, but I could tell, I mean, he was a teenager and you know, his, his biological mother was still alive.
He felt dedicated to her. He felt dedicated to his father. And so, when the divorce finally got settled and stuff, you know, I could, I. Sharan, um, chose actually to live with his father for a while, you know, because it was, you know, if you're a teenager, I mean, and you get all these perks, you're gonna, you're gonna go there.
Um, and he would come and, you know, stay with me sometimes, but, sati, you know, it's, it, I'm sure it was excruciating for him. And so he, he just sort of disappeared from my life. For a number of years actually.
Did he reappear?
Yeah. He's, um, you know, he's, he's in my life on a certain level now. I mean, it's not like it was when we lived together, but, but he's an, he's an artist, he's a director and he does all kinds of different things and, and he's close to, you know, Sharan and the other son that I adopted later. Yeah.
Ending a relationship is hard enough without the world chiming in with their opinions. And because Cynthia's husband was the bigger actor, people made it known that they were citing with him over her.
That must have been excruciating.
well, it was hard. I mean, it, there were people that I really thought were my friend, but you know, If you, if you interview women who've been married to producers, directors, actors, you know, successful people, and the marriage is in, it's like the industry sort of goes to where the success is. And so, um, some people loved me and stayed connected to me, but many, it was like they did not want to blow up.
You know what, what was a supportive and profitable relationship?
They didn't wanna blow up the relationship with him cuz he had power.
right.
Oh, that must have been so hard.
Cynthia and her ex got shared custody of their adopted son, but at first he chose to live with his father over Cynthia. And while that was hard on her, Cynthia had a surprisingly understanding reaction.
Boys need their fathers. And the lifestyle was gonna be completely different with me and with his father. I mean, not that I was, struggling in poverty stricken or anything, but, but, you know, we lived in Malibu. I mean, there were all kinds of perks. There was travel, there was, you know, there was a lot of things that for a teenager that's, you know, that's like golden. And so I understood it. It was painful. But you know, I, I don't know if I had been him if I wouldn't have made the same choice because he, you know, he knew I was gonna be there for him. He knew that I would support him, and I
Mm-hmm.
one of the things he said is that I wanna have a, a relationship with dad.
How did that make you feel?
I totally got it.
Yeah.
mean, boys want to have relationship with their father, you know? They do.
Girls do.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Cynthia's acting career had slowed, and at 48 she went back to school to get her master's in spiritual psychology. After that, she worked in ministry for 11 years, and after that she became a coach and a speaker.
Why do you think you had such a strong spiritual calling after being so wrapped up in Hollywood?
I actually believe that we're all spiritual beings, and I don't mean religion. I mean, I really believe that that. There's some people call it divine energy. Some people call it God. Some people call it spirit. You know, some people call it universe, I don't care what you call it, but we're all products of that energy and we're all interconnected.
And so I feel like everything that happened in that marriage, in my, in my acting career, changing all of that was because there was something deeper inside of me. I'm gonna call it spiritual, that wanted to express in a different way and wanted to reach people in a different form. I mean, I love my creativity and I love acting and I love my artistry, but I get to, in this moment, touch people internationally.
I get to speak on stages. My books get to be in different places. And so it's like I went through everything that I went through to get to the place where I could. Invite others to know that there were possibilities for them and that they could thrive beyond circumstances.
Yeah, I agree with all of that. But was it hard leaving that behind, like leaving that life, that Hollywood, the acting, all that stuff. The celebrity, was it hard letting go and leaving that behind?
You know, yes and no. But I'm gonna say the yes part probably had to do with my ego. It was like, how come I'm not getting roles anymore? How come I, you know, I mean, how, how come I'm not? but the no part was, I knew something, even if I didn't understand what it was, I knew something was calling me.
And that I had to follow it. It wasn't choice. It was like, I mean, the way I ended up in school, the way I, you know, I, I, I got invited to be a minister in different e everything wasn't like I was looking for it. It was like coming to me. And when I think when things start coming to you easily and effortlessly pay attention because there's something guiding.
Yeah. So how did you end up in school then?
Well, I, my acting career, I mean, it was so crazy. I would get down to the last two people and it would go to the other person. I would get down to the last three people for a pilot and it would go. So, you know, it just kept happening. And so, um, I was in this organization with all of these celebrity wives and I told one of them that I just really felt like, I needed to do something to have, extra income coming in.
I mean, you know, there was alimony and all that kind of stuff, but I really wanted to be able to take care of my kids and take care of myself.
And so her husband, it turned out, owned one of the biggest media management companies in the world. And he liked me and so he got me a part-time job working in human resources where I was screening people.
And that led to what ended up seven years in the media management industry. And while I was there and I was doing this, I could say, okay, now clearly at this moment, acting's not gonna drop back in. What do I wanna do with my life? And I heard about this program in spiritual psychology, and I've always been interested in psychology and I've always been interested in spirituality, and I thought, wow.
They go together.
And so Cynthia called the school and signed up for their two year program, which entailed working and transforming herself so she can go on to help and heal others.
And so it turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I gave myself that two years,
I, I can relate so much to that because when I went to get my coaching certification, I felt a lot of the same things that you were just describing. But also I was like in the middle of this like huge personal growth spurt and so it was like, well, here's a way that I can learn how to help others while helping myself
A question I get a lot is how do you know when it's time to pivot? Especially for us creatives who have spent so much time, often years on a creative pursuit, and so often we keep at it because we think, well, maybe this next one will be it. For Cynthia, it was maybe this next acting role will be mine.
So how did she know when it was time to change?
Here's the thing. I mean, the, a lot of the work that I do with people is mind, body, and the body's intelligent. And it actually starts informing you before your mind get it catches, catches it, and so, It was very interesting because while I'm at this media management company, this executive there invites me to his office and says, I'd like you to come work for me.
And I'm like, uh, no, I, you know, I need my time so I can go be an actress, right? And he said, well, he said, okay, but I'm gonna invite you to ask your heart. And I thought that that was so weird. You know, we're in, we're in corporate America and this guy's asking me to, to listen to my heart, and I'm like, so I go, I leave and I'm walking back to across the street to the building that I worked in, and I said to my heart, should I refuse this offer?
And literally my heart constricted. And then I said, should I take this offer? And my heart opened. I didn't totally understand what was happening cuz I hadn't studied any of that at the time. But it was such a clear directive in my physiology that I was like, okay, I don't know why this makes no sense to me, but I'm gonna pay attention.
And I took that job and it ended up, I mean, it ended up. Um, expanding my skillset in extraordinary ways.
Can you explain what you mean when, like, your heart closed versus open? Like what did that feel like? In your body.
Clothes was constriction. I mean, it really felt like something was squeezing my heart and when it opened it was like, it was like my heart was exhaling. It was relaxing.
Hmm. Yeah,
So when I work with clients and I'm, and I'm asking them what's going on? You know, we find out where is their body constricted, because that's the messenger.
Right. Where are you feeling it in your body?
right.
Yeah, I always feel it like in my heart and my belly. Did you ever have any like doubts or like feelings, like you were missing out or you were missing the experience or like you were like, what did I do?
What am I doing with my life? You know, is this a mistake? Like were there, was there any of that?
Oh yeah. I mean, You know, the mind's job is to stay busy and ask all those questions, but you know, and then I had friends that were still acting and doing things. But here's the thing. What I do today uses every single creative skill I have. I sing, I speak I story tell. I, you know, every aspect of that is, is now just funneled in the different direction.
So I didn't really lose anything. I just am not being paid to be on a screen.
Yes. That makes so much sense. I Had somebody on my podcast who's actually a dear friend of mine, this was a while ago, and she had had been trying to make it in Hollywood as a writer for year, her for years and years and years and years. And she's now working as a writer for like corporate America.
But she's using all those same skills and she gets to be just as creative. And she said like, she's so happy and she's successful, and she was like, everybody thinks that like Hollywood is the end all be all to utilize these skills, and in reality, there's so much more opportunity out there if we just open our minds and our hearts do it.
Exactly.
As we know, Cynthia is now a coach and a speaker, but that happened after writing her first book, which is called What Will Set You Free about the Steps to Move from the Pain in Your Life to the Passion in your life. I love that she was still in ministry at the time, and while it seemed clear to others that she should be coaching, it wasn't that clear to Cynthia quite yet.
I was clueless, I did not know. I just kept hearing it was time to leave, and I'm like, and where am I going and what am I going to do and how am I going to make money? And, and then it was still, it was like, it's time for you to leave.
And that's when I started really getting the truth about intuition. Your intuition is quiet. It's quiet, and it's guides you in ways that are non-linear. And so if you're trying to figure out, okay, well you want me to go here, but how many steps do I need to take and how am I gonna make money? And you know, and it's like, you just need to go.
And so I kept hearing, get an office. And so I got an office with two other people and I had no clients, there was this man named Joel Goldsmith who was a, a meta physician. And the story about his life was that he, he got an office, he had no furniture and he would just sit in there and meditate for hours.
And by the time he left the planet, he was seeing 20, 30 people a day and they were having healings. And so I was like, well, I'm not gonna sit on a floor with no furniture, so I'm gonna put something pretty in here, but I can do that. I can just start to visualize and start to, to open to the possibilities.
And so the, for the first year, I didn't advertise at all. People started just coming, referring people to me. And I went and did a leadership program so I could learn how to run a business cuz I didn't know what I didn't know. And all of a sudden, It's like the business took on a life all its own.
That's amazing. And also, can you maybe explain just like a little bit more about like how, who was your first client and how did they find you exactly.
It was someone who knew me from the spiritual community, from the church that I was at, and they said we know you have all these skills and we, they, we want you to help us. You know, so it was like, and I wasn't charging a lot at the that moment cuz I wasn't even sure what I was doing But I began to understand that all that, that that training that I had gone through the two years of spiritual psychology, the three years, you know, in order to become a minister, I had to go through three years of a master's degree in, in consciousness studies.
So all of that stuff, plus all of my life experience began to be, um, it just started unfolding. And the emotional integration that I teach today and that I trained coaches in, came out of. The, the spiritual psychology program in our first year, they told us we had to create a counseling strategy that was ours.
And I'm like, oh, I don't even know what I'm doing. but then it was incredible because what I created became emotional integration and beca became the foundation for the work I do with clients today.
Can you talk about like how your experience with your ex-husband helped to form who you are today?
Yeah. What. What I realized because I was doing, uh, you know, I, I went on hiatus from dating and everything else, and I just went into therapy and stuff. And what I realized is that I had been a fabulous chameleon. Whatever person came into my life, I would become what they wanted and like what they wanted and do what they wanted. And then it was like, well, who am I without doing that? Who, who am I? And I just started. It was so weird because this is gonna sound kind of strange, but I didn't even have the confidence to go to a movie by myself. I mean, I needed other people to be with me. And so I, one of the things I decided to do was take myself to a movie, and it was so, it was crazy.
I'm like, Cynthia, why You have an anxiety about a movie? It's middle of the day. You're standing, you know, you're standing this line, you got popcorn. But it was, it was like, Who am I if I'm not doing what other people need for me to do? And so what happened was I spent a couple of years really in deep inquiry and the man that is now my husband today, we, you know, we've been together for 29 years uh, came into my life in the spiritual community that I was in and.
I almost didn't recognize him because he wasn't crazy and he wasn't, you know, neurotic and he wasn't All the things that I had just, you know, fallen into.
that funny?
Yeah, it was, I believed that because I had gone through what I gone through in the marriage and I believed that what I, that my deciding to learn, me to love, me to honor me, opened the door for him to come through.
I love that. I love that. I talk a lot on here and just like out in the world about identity and how we you know, attach our identity to things like our relationships or our careers, our titles, our successes, failures, that stuff. But then what happens when, we lose a relationship or we lose a job or something like that.
And it's, that's a great illustration of what can happen when we've attached our identity to the person that we're with. Like, having trouble going to the movie theater alone, which by the way, is so normal. I know so many people who struggle with that stuff or even taking themselves out to dinner.
So that makes so much sense.
Cynthia's Internet froze here.
So I figured this is a perfect place for a little promo about a nude podcast that all you curious and spiritual souls might find interesting. And for those of you who are just here for the practical life advice, no problem at all. We'll get back to Cynthia and about 30 📍 seconds
📍 We did it. We got kicked off and we're back on. Um, anyway, I was ta you were sort of talking about how your experience with your ex-husband like formed who you are today and with your, in your relationship today. And I was talking about, I don't know if you, how much you heard about the identity piece.
Yes, I heard, I heard that. Yeah.
That brings me to my final question, actually, which is I always ask everybody to reintroduce themselves but without the descriptors like, you know, spiritual leader, coach, wife, mother, that type of stuff And more so just the descriptions of who you are as a person. So for me it would be, compassionate and vulnerable and curious and kind and adventurous or something like that.
Because again, like we are not our titles, we are not our successes or our failures.
So, I'm Cynthia James.
I'm an adventurer. I'm an explorer, I'm a seeker. I am an artist, a creative, a lover of people a spiritual being, having a human experience. And dedicated to my own growth in supporting others. To do the same,
And where can people find you if they want to find you or work with you or see what you're up to?
go to cynthia james.net and then that'll direct you to all the social media platforms and everything.
Is there anything else that you wanna share that you haven't yet?
I guess I just would wanna say to your listeners, you are here with Molly for a reason, because some part of you wants to grow, wants to heal, wants to expand. Trust that calling because something incredible is waiting for you.
Oh my goodness. I love that. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Molly. I'm happy to know you.
Oh, Cynthia, I'm so happy to know you too. And if any of you out there want more time with her, you'll find her links in the show notes. And if you loved this or any of these episodes, please subscribe, rate, review, and share your favorite episodes with two people, just two.
You think might also love these. The more we grow, the more we can help you grow. Thank you to David Ben Perrot for Sound Engineering. Dan Daven for the music, David Harper for the artwork, I am This age is produced by Jellyfish Industries. I'm Molly Sider. Catch you all next time.